Friday, August 9, 2013

Here Comes [cue music] THE SOCIETY

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

The Kansas City BBB is receipt of the stupidest letter in the history of mankind.

It begins with what might as well be a dark and stormy night, the treasure map on the back of the Constitution is lit under the glow of a black light, standing on an easel behind the person who wrote the following letter... Please try to imagine THIS GUY's voice when reading the letter. It makes it even better.

"_____, we are the rich, the famous, the powerful--and the creme de la creme of society; famous sports and movie stars, musicians, billionaires, businessmen, intellectuals, and scientists.

Congratulatons are in order. You have been chosen to join us, _____.

Be proud. Not many get this honor. And those who do, consider this day...the day they received this letter--to be the luckiest day of their life. Let me explain...

[Ok, before I let the letter "explain," I want to point out the bad grammar so far, and also swear that I am not adding any of the bold type. It's in the original letter, I swear. Ok, back to the letter.]

We are the Society. There is a Latin word for us that means "imperial," "powerful," "lordly," and "magisterial." Many consider us the most powerful organization in the world. Period.

Never heard of us? Good! That is That is how we want it [except the "many" who consider them the most powerful organization, obviously. Not them. Just...everyone else]. You will learn our clandestine name in time.

We go to great strides to ensure our anonymity. Very few people besides our members and inductees like you, _____, know of our existence. You should feel pretty special right now. Not many were chosen as a 2013 inductee. But you were. And soon you may reap rewards you never thought attainable.

While the Society is covert, our members are extremely well-known, made up of the rich and famous, the best and the brightest. Almost all of us grew up in humble circumstances. and many of us rose to unimaginable prosperity.

[First off, those in positions of "unimaginable prosperity rarely began in "humble circumstances. Secondly, they keep starting sentences with "But." That's really annoying. Thirdly, doesn't this letter sound like it was authored by a kid in a treehouse, using a spooky voice, shining a flashlight up onto his face? I'm going to skip a few paragraphs to get to my favorite part...]

I wish I could tell you who I am. But under advice from my counsel, I cannot reveal my full name. However, I can tell you that under ordinary circumstances you'd never dream of receiving a letter from me.


It goes on from there to generically deny that it's a scam, like all scams do. It reiterates the secrecy and power of its powerful secret society...called The Society. At least the members can't get the name wrong. The letter is ten pages of self-adulation that doesn't ask for money up front. That comes later.

I wish all spam was as spectacularly silly as this. Our jobs of identifying nonsensical offers would be a whole lot easier.